Appalachian Trail: Day 52
Disclaimer: This post is NOT sponsored. All the gear mentioned in this post was purchased by me at retail prices. I have no affiliations with any of the companies or brands mentioned.
Today I decided to take a zero day. As the term implies, it's a day where I hike zero miles along the AT. Usually this still includes some walking, like walking about a mile to get to the grocery store for a resupply. But as the day included limited physical exertion, I'm going to take the opportunity to talk about something I've briefly mentioned on here, but haven't put much focus on. The mental and emotional aspects of the hike.
Firstly, I have to say that the hiking community in general is very accepting. I am out publicly as trans on the trail and the other hikers have no problem with it. They are usually good about using the correct pronouns for me. That's not to say everyone is a perfect ally. I've had some that are accepting, but I've had to repeatedly correct pronoun usage. Not due to malicious intent, but just due to having to get use to it. Others have been very apologetic at even the slightest hint that they may have offended me.
I have had some interesting interactions with other hikers when revealing that I am trans. I had one hiker ask me which direction I was transitioning as they weren't sure. Some hikers have told me they thought I was a girl immediately too. But I have also gotten male pronouns and even got called "sir" by a passing day hiker once. A lot of times, this is even before I speak, so it's purely based upon the quick determination humans subconsciously make. This uncertainty in my gender has been a constant topic of thought and a source of anxiety when faced with things like gendered bathrooms.
And I know, I am still early in my transition. I only just hit a year on HRT recently. More time may have some more effects that make passing easier, but as with hiking, being in your 20s makes the process easier and I'm definitely not in my 20s anymore.
Honestly, some of the best and worst things come from internal sources. For most of the hike, likely due to hiking pace, I have been hiking alone. This has given me plenty of time to think. A lot of this thinking includes comparisons between myself and the other women hikers. As the old saying goes, "Comparison is the thief of joy." This is certainly true as the comparisons have highlighted some dysphoria that I was unaware that I had. However, one of my goals for this hike was to sort out some of my mental stuff, this time to think has definitely helped with that.
The other problem with so much time to think is that apparently I can only think on certain topics for only so long. And with the day consisting of hiking up and down mountains all day where while the scenery changes, it all looks similar, there isn't a constant influx of new topics to think over. And the lack of socializing means I'm stuck with whatever thoughts come to my own mind. That or I distract myself with audiobooks or music. Something I have been doing moreso lately. However, that increases power usage which is a limited resource in the woods.